Flaming Bag of Poop/Transcript
[Scene opens with Mario and Luigi in Mario's office.] Mario: I was thinking we switch it up a little tonight, and have some pasta. [A Koopa Troopa arrives.] Koopa Troopa: It's ready, sir. Mario: Finally! [Mario jumps on the Koopa Troopa as he and Luigi approach a lava pit, with Soniqua's cage dangling above it.] Mario: Any last words? Soniqua: Avocado! Mario: Sure, make sense. Drop her in! [The cage is lowered into the lava as Mario laughs maniacally. The cage is lifted back up, showing Soniqua is alive.] Mario: OK, seriously. Nothing can kill this bitch?! This couldn't possibly be worse! [Soniqua spits lava at Luigi, disintegrating him and burning a hole in Mario's floor.] Mario: Well shit. [Scene transitions to outside Mario's office, where Tails, Dr. Eggman, and Earthworm Jim are. Dr. Eggman is drinking bear.] Dr. Eggman: [laughs] I cannot stop drinking! WOOO! It's starting to become a serious problem! [laughs] Wait, why are we outside Mario's again? Earthworm Jim: Something about... saving Sonic? Does that sound right? Tails: Yeah, that-that sounds like something we should be doing, but... but then why did we bring this flaming bag of dog shit? [Tails pulls out a bag of dog poop on fire.] Earthworm Jim: [[laughs] Right! Ring the doorbell, Mario sees the bag and he sounds it out! Dr. Eggman: [laughs] Yes! [drinks more beer and sighs] I used to be a scientist. [Scene transitions to inside Mario's office, with Soniqua trying to escape her cage but gets electrocuted.] Soniqua: Avocado... Ah! Avocado... Ah! Mario: Really wish I can kill you... [Scene transitions to outside Mario's office. Earthworm Jim sets the bag of dog poop on fire at the door.] Earthworm Jim: OK guys, the bag's in place. When do we ring the doorbell? [Camera zooms out to see the building is on fire.] Dr. Eggman: Now? [Scene transitions to inside Mario's office, where a Lakitu is bringing Soniqua a box of avacados.] Mario: There! I got you some goddamn avocados! Now would you please... just shut the fuck up?! Soniqua: AVOCADO!! Mario: That's it! I'm putting my plans for world domination... or whatever the hell is it I'm supposed to be doing here... on hold until I can kill you! Bring out... Bullet Bowser! [A Bill Blaster is pushed on-screen.] Mario: Fire! [A slow-moving Bullet Bill with Bowser's head attached to is fired and is moving toward Soniqua. Camera pans to see the building is on fire.] Mario: Oh, shit! Fire! Fire! Fire! [Camera zooms out to see Tails, Dr. Eggman, and Earthworm Jim inside Mario's office.] Dr. Eggman: Throw it! Throw it! [Earthworm Jim throws the bag of dog poop in front of Mario's desk.] Earthworm Jim: [laughs] Now Mario. Stomp on the poop. Tails: Wait a minute, is Sonic dead? Soniqua, what are you doi- What the fuck is going here? Mario: Outta my way! [Mario runs away and knocks over Soniqua's cage.] Earthworm Jim: We gotta get out of here! [Earthworm Jim, Dr. Eggman, and Soniqua run away, while Tails flies away while carrying Sonic's corpse. Scene transitions to outside Mario's office, with the entire building on fire.] Tails: Alright, let's get Sonic in the Epoch and try and fix this fucking mess. Earthworm Jim: Wait! Where is the Epoch? [Scene transitions to Mario inside the Epoch.] Mario: Time for this time machine to fly... because time sure flies... Shit wait, there's something cool there- [Camera zooms out to show Bullet Bowser about to hit the Epoch.] Mario: OH SHIT! [Bullet Bowser explodes, killing Mario and destroying the Epoch. Scene transitions to outside Mario's office.] Tails, Dr. Eggman, and Earthworm Jim: Shit. [Ending sequence.]